The Top 10 Top 10s from 2010 - Part 3

The final edition of the top 10 top 10s - The Events of 2010

List #7: Top 10 things we were addicted to that we shouldn't have been:
10. Assorted Celebrities of all shapes and sizes
9. Vuvuzelas
8. Snuggies, Shamwows, and all things infomercial
7. Social Networking- this means ALL of it.
6. Silly Bands
5. "The Decision"
4. Jersey Shore
3. FarmVille
2. Twilight
1. Justin Bieber

List #8: Top 10 things we should have been addicted to but weren't:
10. Zadroga Bill (and several others)
9. Our appearance - and by this I mean the way we appear to other people online. Not through pictures- strictly through comments alone.
8. Global Warming
7. The War on Terrorism
6. Urbanization and Deforestation
5. Midterms, and actually electing leaders, regardless of whatever party they belong to.
4. Cholera Outbreak in Haiti
3. The insane man in North Korea
2. The humanitarian crisis in Sudan
1. Earthquakes in Haiti and Chile

List #9: Top 10 "Oops, sorry about that world" moments from 2010:
10. Twilight producers accidentally release another movie, refuse to apologize.

9. WikiLeaks releases classified information to the public that seems to make everyone except the government pretty happy.

8. North Korea continues to act like the world's annoying little brother; the rest of the world gives Kim Jong-Il a stern lecture and tries halfheartedly to take away his water pistol.

7. Iceland's Eyjafjallajokull (volcano) erupts, causing major problems with air travel in Europe for weeks. The volcano has apologized for the eruption, but as of yet has shown no remorse for being so hard to pronounce.

6. There is currently an outbreak of cholera in Haiti. Americans, who could provide aid, conveniently forgot Haiti existed sometime in February, shortly after the earthquake.

5. Inception confuses everyone, refuses to apologize, claiming that people who watched it were merely dreaming.

4. The Earth still hasn't shown any remorse for suddenly shifting at its tectonic plate boundaries to any of its inhabitants.

3. LOST finally ends, but due to a bizarre hole in the space-time continuum, ABC will air it again starting next year, with the twist of everything going backwards.

2. The U.S. makes it past the first stage in the FIFA World Cup (soccer). Angry mobs soon form around the world and the United States, realizing its mistake, quickly loses its next match.

1. BP causes a massive oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. Luckily, someone caught on to the fact that BP stands for "British Petroleum" and we all get to blame the British.


The Final List

List #10: 10 Things to look forward to in 2011:
10. On January 1, Apple releases a phone better than the recent Windows phone. Microsoft: "Well, that was fast."

9. FarmVille activates the next phase of their diabolical plan, turning all of its users into mindless slaves.

8. Even more politicians get their words taken out of context.

7. All earthquakes magnitude 6 or above trigger fears of "the beginning of the end."

6. Verizon/AT&T war goes nuclear

5. Kim Jong-Il still has that water pistol.

4. Inception sequel: Several dreams within several more dreams, some of which are actually real life.

3. In order to fix past problems, the 2011 Toyota Prius comes with no accelerator pedal

2. Intelligent people who (correctly) argue that the decade actually starts in 2011, not 2010, get shot by the other people who (correctly) argue that the first group of people are annoying.

1. Saying "oh-eleven" instead of "oh-ten" when abbreviating the year.


Z Has No Life will (hopefully) be back next year with (hopefully) more lists.


Happy Holidays!

Top 10 Top 10s of 2010 - Part Two

Part Two: The People of 2010

List #4: Top 10 groups of people who made very, very bad moves.

10. Anyone who read or saw Twilight or any of its sequels. (This is self-explanatory).

9. Suzanne Collins. SPOILER ALERT! Katniss should have chosen Gale.

8. Jersey Shore. We're questioning how you're still on TV.

7. North Korea. Continuing to act like the world's annoying little brother with a water pistol, firing said water pistol at innocent South Koreans and earning themselves a timeout.

6. BP. They seemed rather crude this year.

5. NBC. You know you handled a situation poorly when you give someone millions of dollars to leave.

4. Windows and their new phone. No one is going to want to buy a phone that keeps saying "Not Responding" all the time.

3. Whoever selects the Nobel Prize winners. Forget giving him the Nobel Prize, get Liu Xiaobo out of jail!

2. Toyota. The growth of the number of problems it had with the Prius just wouldn't stop.

1. WikiLeaks. Because the government will be completely fine with it, and hail Julian Assange as a national hero.

List #5 (plus bonus list): In picture form:
A few months ago, I posted a series of interesting default search terms you would get when you typed generic questions such as "What is" or "When was" into the search engine Bing. This time, we're taking it a step further to see what we think of the people making headlines today, and Benjamin Franklin.

We came up with 25 people to try search terms on. This group was made up of politicians, celebrities, and leaders of today. And Benjamin Franklin. Here's what we typed into Bing: "[person] is _____" The top 10 most common results that came up in the blank made the list. We also came up with a bonus list of the 10 most bizarre search terms (including funny and ironic searches). Here's the list:
(click to enlarge)
Note: The footnote in the "ugly" column may be unreadable. It says: "In addition to being 'ugly', Snooki is also "really ugly"

List #6: The Top 10 people to look up to from 2010

10. Barack Obama: He makes a lot of inspirational top 10 lists around this time of year like "top 10 leaders" or "top 10 politicians" so we figured we'd better put him on this list too.

9. Rick Astley: His music videos (one in particular) are still among the most consistently watched on YouTube. How does he do it?

8. Justin Bieber: Overcame such odds to become what he is today, adored by over 350 million Americans.

7. The guy at the Drive-Thru window who took my order: You, sir, keep many people from going hungry everyday, and you work at such a modest salary as well!

6. Mark Zuckerberg: Only Julian Assange has gotten more private information onto the internet, but Zuckerberg has successfully evaded the law!

5. The Beatles: They finally did the right thing from a money standpoint, going to iTunes after everyone had already illegally downloaded their music from other places.

4. Team [insert Twilight character here]: Each team has instilled the values of cooperation and teamwork into today's preteens, something few other movies or books has been able to do before.

3. Steve Jobs: For appearing in my crossword puzzle last week under the particularly cryptic clue "Jobs in Computers". You're a tricky one, Steve.

2. Kim Jong-Il: Once again, he has proven wrong the old adage that "you can't have your cake and eat it too" by doing just that while refusing his peasants any food at all. Not since Marie Antoinette have we seen such ground-breaking achievements.

1. Jeff Miller: Miller won his third couch potato championship on January 4th of this year and set a world record by loafing around for 72 hours straight. That's three days. Three days of just sitting on a couch. He's the pride and joy of no-lifers like myself. Way to go, Jeff!

Next up: Part 3: The Events of 2010

Top 10 Top 10s from 2010 - Part One

Hello, I'm finally back after being quite busy with other things since my last post. In return, I have spent the last few days compiling the events of this past year, finally coming up with The Top 10 Top 10s from 2010. In three separate posts, I will detail 100 (not necessarily different) people, groups, and events that made 2010 unique.

List #1: Top 10 celebrities we somehow, amazingly, still care about
10. Tiger Woods
9. The Tea Party. Yes. All of them.
8. Taylor Lautner
7. Whatever Kardashian it is now
6. Paris Hilton
5. Mel Gibson
4. Lindsay Lohan
3. Justin Bieber
2. Snooki
1. Robert Pattinson

List #2: Top 10 reasons Qatar was awarded the 2022 World Cup over America
10. FIFA wants to expand where the World Cup is played
9. Doubts over the support a World Cup would get in America
8. Interesting climate in Qatar causes new, fun, challenges
7. Qatar has fewer vuvuzelas
6. Qatar starts with a Q
5. It's... America
4. Jersey Shore
3. Bill Clinton
2. Crazed Preteens may hold soccer players hostage
1. The U.S.A. has allowed Justin Bieber inside their borders, Qatar hasn't.


List #3: Top 10 things we didn't want any more of, but somehow ended up with anyway
10. Earthquakes: We got the message after Haiti, I don't think Chile was really necessary.

9. Reality TV: Because America didn't already have enough bad singers and dancers now, even more are getting to go public. Meanwhile, in the worst move of the year: Skating with the Stars.

8. Celebrities doing stupid things: Due to the underabundance of intelligence in Hollywood, we are forced to hear about these somewhat popular people doing somewhat stupid things. May karma come back to haunt them, preferably while they're driving drunk.

7. Michael Vick: While his story may be filed under "heartwarming" (I still haven't figured out exactly how) we really don't need to hear his story and have him interviewed every time his team plays a football game.

6. Movies made out of books: Once again, several fools have tried to upset the natural balance- making movies out of books- and failed. And once again, Harry Potter was really the only movie based off a book that actually followed a plot line, proving once and for all that it wasn't a series of novels, it was actually a series of screenplays.

5. The iPad: I've never used it, but a larger iPhone minus the phone just seems awkward.

4. "Villes": Zynga is going crazy with these. First it was FarmVille, then people caught on to other "villes". Now we're on to CityVille, which is the most redundant name for a game ever.

3. LeBron James: He was arrogant enough to think people would watch an hour-long special just about himself- and millions of people actually, for some reason unbeknownst to mankind, did.

2. Shrek: It was funny the first fifteen movies, now we're wondering when they'll run out of material to keep the adults mildly entertained who have been forced to watch this movie by their kids.

1. Cell Phone Commercials: Because every phone can do everything every other one can, so please, for the sake of sanity, shut up. I really couldn't care less whether your phone can cook pasta better than another brand's.

Next up: The people of 2010

The Real Moral of the Story

School has started for many students, and lots of teenagers are being forced to read books and dissect them until anyone that says the word "symbolism" is stabbed by impulse. A lot of these books (and movies or TV shows, too) really have deeper meanings, or morals. For example, the moral of Theodore Geisel's Green Eggs and Ham is "Don't listen to silly kids who want you to eat moldy food." Here are some other morals to famous books and movies:

• The Great Gatsby: Don't get rich and throw parties in the 1920s.
• The Lord of the Flies: Never, ever, trust a conch shell to be your democracy.
• Animal Farm: Most talking animals are communists.
• 1984: George Orwell LIED about the future!
• Alice in Wonderland: If you do drugs, you may write a popular book that becomes a Disney movie
• Lost: Unless you want to get trapped in alternate time lines, you're better off with the kids from Lord of the Flies.
• Romeo & Juliet: If you are going to kill people over your girlfriend, at least be old enough to be in middle school.
  
• 12 Angry Men: Don't fall asleep if you watch this in history class. You may have a quiz later. I learned the hard way.
• Harry Potter: If you don't listen to the half-giant who broke down your door and told you that wizards existed, you at least won't have to face Lord Voldemort.
• Moby-Dick: Other than the shipwreck and the recent commercial, the most exciting part of this book is the first three words.

FAIL powered by Bing
People on the Internet are stupid. That's obvious from reading the comments on any YouTube video. But how stupid are they? I input the beginning to five questions into Bing and found that some of the most popular searches prove that little intelligent life exists on this planet. The questions were "What is a..." "When was..." "Where is..." "Why do..." and "How to...".
WHAT IS A barometer?
It utterly shocked me to see "barometer" show up on the top eight results. More people want to know about barometers than autism, which is surprising because autism is a condition that is hard to understand while barometers are... well, they're barometers. Nothing overly complicated about them. (Barometer is the sixth most popular search, Autism, seventh)
WHEN WAS electricity invented?
This wouldn't be a bad question except that it's asking when electricity was invented. As far as I know, Thomas Edison didn't invent electricity- neither did Ben Franklin, or the always popular choice of Albert Einstein. The correct question would be "When was electricity discovered?" The fact that so many people think that electricity was invented by some guy in a lab coat makes me seriously doubt the future of this world. (Electricity is the fourth most popular search here)
WHERE IS santa?
More people are concerned about where Santa is (4th), in the middle of September, than where Washington DC (8th) or "my stimulus check" (7th) is. Either a whole lot of kids who never heard the North Pole bit are using Bing, or the general public has forgotten that Santa doesn't exist. They didn't even capitalize his name!
WHY DO dogs eat grass?
Why is this one of life's great mysteries? Is it really that important that we find out why dogs eat grass? Much more important (2nd) than "why do we dream" (6th) , which I'd think is a perfectly normal question to ask.
HOW TO get pregnant
I'm not even going to say anything about this (8th). Also popular: How to recognize a meth house (4th), How to tie a tie (3rd), and How to draw (6th).

Bing has reaffirmed my faith in human stupidity. Other searches: "What is the... (Internet, 4th)" "Who is the... (Progressive Girl, 3rd)" and "Can you... (Freeze milk, 6th)"

Warning Signs

Having no life is a serious problem, but with professional help it can be overcome. The best thing to do is catch early warning signs. Luckily, we have made a list of actions that may be a part of a bigger problem: Having no life. If you or someone you know displays these signs, seek help immediately.

• Ordering only food with prices that come out to an even dollar amount. "I'll have the fish taco, the supersized fries, and the large coffee. That's $9 after tax, yes, I know. I figured it out already"
• Composing complex arguments that the Titanic foreshadowed and symbolized the Great Depression. "There were all those rich people, see, and they thought that the Titanic would never sink. Oh, and Leonardo DiCaprio was there."
• Reading about water quality testing during college visits. "I'm sorry, what about the dormitories? I was reading an engrossing description of dissolved oxygen testing."
• Realizing several days after the Deepwater Horizon explosion that the oil spill can now be used as the punchline to any joke. "What's black, white, and red all over? BP trying to cover up the oil spill with bleach and food coloring"
• Observing the process of erosion by building a fort at the edge of the water at the beach. "'Come on, the water's nice and calm.' 'No, it's full of wrath and destruction. Just look at my sand castle!'"
• Making charts to compare the tile patterns of gas station bathrooms to its overall cleanliness. "8x1 inch wood tiles? Oh, no, we can't stop here!"
• Reading the licensing agreement when buying a song from iTunes. "Do I agree to... not misuse the copyright? Sure. Do I agree to... go to Microsoft and- HEY!"
• Comparing your lunch to radar images. "This piece of fried chicken looks like a hook echo! We've got to get out of here! But... no! We can't go out there- look at this onion ring!"
  

New Orleans

Recently, I was in New Orleans for the 2010 LCMS National Youth Gathering. It was great fun, and there was lots of fun things to do in the city to kill time. Here's a list of top ten things I did in New Orleans while I was down there:

10. Take a swamp tour. Did you know crocodiles are attracted to the color white? Also, white reflects light (and thus, heat) better than any other color. You'll want to wear a white T-Shirt and be as close to the water as possible.

9. Protest BP. We didn't actually participate in the protest, but we saw one. BP does not deserve a joke.

8. Limbo under the low branches of trees planted in city sidewalks. I never was good at limbo. It's rather embarrassing to be knocked down by a tree branch.

7. March around town with an "Ernie" doll taped to a stick. Yes, we did this, and yes it is Ernie from Sesame Street. Hold it high and with pride!

6. Moonwalk.

5. Shout "Aaay!" to everyone you meet. It became the traditional greeting of the gathering. Now that it's over you'll get some really strange looks.

4. Play "ninja" in front of the Superdome. There's only two ways to really play ninja. One, in front of a national landmark, and two, at a high-class party where everyone's wearing tuxedos, dresses, etc.

3. Pay no attention whatsoever to the streetlights. You'll only get confused when walking around the city. Also, pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.*

2. Imitate the guy on the "walk" light. You know, the guy that comes on when the orange hand is taking a break. Honestly, has anyone at any point in history ever walked like this? ---------->


1. Make New Orleans notice you. Proclaiming what we believed in was so much fun, and New Orleans took notice. They were great hosts. Thanks to everyone who had a hand in organizing the event!

Road Trip

Today, I'm leaving for an event in New Orleans. We're traveling by bus, an 18 hour trip that lasts through the night. In case anybody else is having a long road trip this summer, I'm offering these twenty helpful tips, all of which come from my own experiences.

• Do not travel by kayak
• Do not drive from the backseat
• Do not fill up at a gas station with less than mediocre bathrooms
• Do not snore
• Do not make pottery
• Do not watch a 3-D movie in IMAX
• Do not bring your pet whale
• Do not ignore flashing lights
• Do not play ultimate frisbee in a car that seats less than twelve
• Do not wear sunglasses that are missing one or both lenses
• Do not try to make anagrams from bumper stickers
• Do not insult a hippogriff
• Do not drive off of a 50-story building
• Do not use a typewriter while driving
• Do not play more than four bingo cards at once; if you're the driver, two
• Do not chop onions
• Do not plant a tree in the highway
• Do not read the complete works of Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings from Greenbridge, Essex, England
• Do not write a newspaper article recommending 50's romance novels
• Do not participate in a competitive eating contest via Skype
• And always, always, remember where your towel is.
  

Art Museums

During the summer, one thing you can do to prove that you have no life is go to an art museum. Art museums, while being educational, cultural experiences, can seem to be a little boring to some people. To make the trip much more bearable, I've compiled this list of the top 5 things to do at an art museum.

5. Discreetly take pictures of every work of art in the museum. You'll never have to go to an art museum again!

4. Try to find the differences between surrealism and cubism. This will also explain why you'll never go on Jeopardy! for the rest of your life.

3. Sketch a drawing that looks slightly similar to a painting in the museum. Then try to pass it off as the original for millions of dollars!

2. Join one of those preschool field trips, you know, the ones you didn't pay any attention to back when you were four years old. And pay attention this time. Unfortunately, if you are over thirteen, security will likely be called and you will be arrested.

1. Just stand there. Pretend to be engrossed in a work of art, and just stand in front of it. Secretly think, "where's the food court?"

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The worst advertisers of the month

Each month, there is always a company who has created a commercial that is extremely annoying. The said advertisement indubitably shows up every time you turn on a television. Obviously, the people who win this award normally work for either Verizon Wireless or AT&T (at least, since they started feuding). It should come as no surprise that these companies were the winners and runner-ups for this month's recognition.

Runner-up: Verizon Wireless: Verizon wins this award mainly for a commercial I saw online a few weeks ago. They were offering a package deal that included NFL Draft coverage through 2010. Which would be great, if it weren't June and the draft didn't happen in April. "Let the celebration begin!" the ad exclaims. Uh, Verizon... it's over.

Winner: AT&T: There can be no question that AT&T was the worst advertiser of the month for June. The company had advertisements everywhere, and there were problems with most of them. Stealing a song from Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory? Not right. AT&T also had this disclaimer in one of their commercials: "The artists Christo and Jean-Claude have no direct or indirect affiliation with AT&T" Doesn't mentioning them in your ad at least give them an indirect affiliation?
____________________________________________________________________

This week, try to go to an art museum and see how many of the above list you can pull off. If not, then feel free to sit in front of a glowing box with attachments that sound like musical instruments or rodents. It's all part of having no life.

Kansas

Welcome to my new blog, Z has no life. I am Z (based off of usernames from other websites). I have no life. This will quickly become evident as you continue reading.

Anyway, let's go past that lame introduction and into our first post. The other day I was thinking about Kansas, and how little people know about this state I live in. So I made a list of five things you never knew about Kansas:

• The highest point in Kansas is Mount Sunflower. You can be on top of Mount Sunflower and not even know it. Mount Sunflower is not a mountain. It's a hill.

• Pizza Hut was originally founded in Wichita, Kansas, in 1958. Open any Kansas history textbook, and you will find one chapter about the Kansa Indians, one about Amelia Earhart, and eight about Pizza Hut.

• There is no Wizard of Oz. There is no Dorothy, no Toto, no Tin Man or Cowardly Lion. But if you think that they exist in Kansas, you may be the scarecrow.
  

• The headquarters of Garmin and Sprint are located in Kansas. (They were founded there as well). This does not explain why you can still get lost in the middle of nowhere without cell phone coverage in Kansas.

• The 1918 flu pandemic began in Kansas. The current Secretary of Health and Human Services is also from Kansas. I'm sure that makes you feel much better.*

*Despite this, I support Kathleen Sebelius.