Road Trip

Today, I'm leaving for an event in New Orleans. We're traveling by bus, an 18 hour trip that lasts through the night. In case anybody else is having a long road trip this summer, I'm offering these twenty helpful tips, all of which come from my own experiences.

• Do not travel by kayak
• Do not drive from the backseat
• Do not fill up at a gas station with less than mediocre bathrooms
• Do not snore
• Do not make pottery
• Do not watch a 3-D movie in IMAX
• Do not bring your pet whale
• Do not ignore flashing lights
• Do not play ultimate frisbee in a car that seats less than twelve
• Do not wear sunglasses that are missing one or both lenses
• Do not try to make anagrams from bumper stickers
• Do not insult a hippogriff
• Do not drive off of a 50-story building
• Do not use a typewriter while driving
• Do not play more than four bingo cards at once; if you're the driver, two
• Do not chop onions
• Do not plant a tree in the highway
• Do not read the complete works of Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings from Greenbridge, Essex, England
• Do not write a newspaper article recommending 50's romance novels
• Do not participate in a competitive eating contest via Skype
• And always, always, remember where your towel is.
  

Art Museums

During the summer, one thing you can do to prove that you have no life is go to an art museum. Art museums, while being educational, cultural experiences, can seem to be a little boring to some people. To make the trip much more bearable, I've compiled this list of the top 5 things to do at an art museum.

5. Discreetly take pictures of every work of art in the museum. You'll never have to go to an art museum again!

4. Try to find the differences between surrealism and cubism. This will also explain why you'll never go on Jeopardy! for the rest of your life.

3. Sketch a drawing that looks slightly similar to a painting in the museum. Then try to pass it off as the original for millions of dollars!

2. Join one of those preschool field trips, you know, the ones you didn't pay any attention to back when you were four years old. And pay attention this time. Unfortunately, if you are over thirteen, security will likely be called and you will be arrested.

1. Just stand there. Pretend to be engrossed in a work of art, and just stand in front of it. Secretly think, "where's the food court?"

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The worst advertisers of the month

Each month, there is always a company who has created a commercial that is extremely annoying. The said advertisement indubitably shows up every time you turn on a television. Obviously, the people who win this award normally work for either Verizon Wireless or AT&T (at least, since they started feuding). It should come as no surprise that these companies were the winners and runner-ups for this month's recognition.

Runner-up: Verizon Wireless: Verizon wins this award mainly for a commercial I saw online a few weeks ago. They were offering a package deal that included NFL Draft coverage through 2010. Which would be great, if it weren't June and the draft didn't happen in April. "Let the celebration begin!" the ad exclaims. Uh, Verizon... it's over.

Winner: AT&T: There can be no question that AT&T was the worst advertiser of the month for June. The company had advertisements everywhere, and there were problems with most of them. Stealing a song from Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory? Not right. AT&T also had this disclaimer in one of their commercials: "The artists Christo and Jean-Claude have no direct or indirect affiliation with AT&T" Doesn't mentioning them in your ad at least give them an indirect affiliation?
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This week, try to go to an art museum and see how many of the above list you can pull off. If not, then feel free to sit in front of a glowing box with attachments that sound like musical instruments or rodents. It's all part of having no life.