Warning Signs

Having no life is a serious problem, but with professional help it can be overcome. The best thing to do is catch early warning signs. Luckily, we have made a list of actions that may be a part of a bigger problem: Having no life. If you or someone you know displays these signs, seek help immediately.

• Ordering only food with prices that come out to an even dollar amount. "I'll have the fish taco, the supersized fries, and the large coffee. That's $9 after tax, yes, I know. I figured it out already"
• Composing complex arguments that the Titanic foreshadowed and symbolized the Great Depression. "There were all those rich people, see, and they thought that the Titanic would never sink. Oh, and Leonardo DiCaprio was there."
• Reading about water quality testing during college visits. "I'm sorry, what about the dormitories? I was reading an engrossing description of dissolved oxygen testing."
• Realizing several days after the Deepwater Horizon explosion that the oil spill can now be used as the punchline to any joke. "What's black, white, and red all over? BP trying to cover up the oil spill with bleach and food coloring"
• Observing the process of erosion by building a fort at the edge of the water at the beach. "'Come on, the water's nice and calm.' 'No, it's full of wrath and destruction. Just look at my sand castle!'"
• Making charts to compare the tile patterns of gas station bathrooms to its overall cleanliness. "8x1 inch wood tiles? Oh, no, we can't stop here!"
• Reading the licensing agreement when buying a song from iTunes. "Do I agree to... not misuse the copyright? Sure. Do I agree to... go to Microsoft and- HEY!"
• Comparing your lunch to radar images. "This piece of fried chicken looks like a hook echo! We've got to get out of here! But... no! We can't go out there- look at this onion ring!"