Road Trip

Today, I'm leaving for an event in New Orleans. We're traveling by bus, an 18 hour trip that lasts through the night. In case anybody else is having a long road trip this summer, I'm offering these twenty helpful tips, all of which come from my own experiences.

• Do not travel by kayak
• Do not drive from the backseat
• Do not fill up at a gas station with less than mediocre bathrooms
• Do not snore
• Do not make pottery
• Do not watch a 3-D movie in IMAX
• Do not bring your pet whale
• Do not ignore flashing lights
• Do not play ultimate frisbee in a car that seats less than twelve
• Do not wear sunglasses that are missing one or both lenses
• Do not try to make anagrams from bumper stickers
• Do not insult a hippogriff
• Do not drive off of a 50-story building
• Do not use a typewriter while driving
• Do not play more than four bingo cards at once; if you're the driver, two
• Do not chop onions
• Do not plant a tree in the highway
• Do not read the complete works of Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings from Greenbridge, Essex, England
• Do not write a newspaper article recommending 50's romance novels
• Do not participate in a competitive eating contest via Skype
• And always, always, remember where your towel is.